


The Hornocruxes: The FINAL THRUST

by BadBoiReeRee



Series: The Hornocruxes - A Lord Voldemort Fanfic [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:48:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25112629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadBoiReeRee/pseuds/BadBoiReeRee
Summary: Lord Voldemort's fanfic comes to an end. Bid farewell to all of your favorite characters and their silly (and disturbingly sexy) shenanigans. Thank you to all fans;)!
Relationships: Charlie Sheen/Original Female Character, Cho Chang/Luna Lovegood, Dobby/Neville Longbottom, Remus Lupin/Ron Weasley
Series: The Hornocruxes - A Lord Voldemort Fanfic [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1705240
Kudos: 3





	The Hornocruxes: The FINAL THRUST

So Lupin took Ron to his study, where he fed him huge amounts of chocolate. Ron was bursting at the seams, but he didn’t care: HE WANTED IT ALL. Lupin placed the engorged Ronald Weasley on his desk and gently slid the sweatpants off of the red-haired schmootzie pooz’s body. Ron giggled then asked Lupin, “do you have any walnuts and bananas?” Lupin’s expression changed from extremely horny and hungry to sad and forlorn. He looked out his study window to the frolicking first year students, just asking to be eaten. He turned to Ron, “Mr. Weasley… have you any pets?”

“What kind of-f p-p-peeeettttttzzzs?” choked Ron, struggling to speak as both frogs, chocolate and chocolate frogs started creeping out of his mouth. They started to sing as a choir: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. They even had a soloist who missed a few notes but recovered and remembered the rest of her lines. She sang her heart out to _Mein Herze schwimmt im Blut._

Lupin turned.

“Well, if you’ve ever had a dog, many owners – for reasons unknown to me – _change_ them. They remove something very precious to them, specifically the male kind. You do know what I am referring to?”

Ron was now completely consumed in chocolate and frogs, all orifices bursting with his favorite foods. Bananas started to come out of his ears. He looked towards Lupin, his arm reaching out to him in desperation. But Lupin was still turned, looking out towards the window. A single tear and incredible amounts of snot streamed down his face, which were eaten by the frogs that were erupting from his body, some of which were now singing The Weather Girls “It’s Raining Men.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Lupin continued, “suffice it to say, that I was once apart of such a family. Apparently even wolves aren’t able to fight this archaic ritual. So, you could say, that something was stolen from me. And that is why I am here. Rumor has it that Harry Potter and Dumbledore are on a quest, one that will bare much fruit. The male fruit. They are out to acquire all of the Hornocruxes, the magical wandgasmic relics in which the darklord has concealed parts of his legendary Trouser Snake. These objects can take many shapes, but once brought together, they are said to bring about the greatest, most horny experience, one that CANNOT be replicated by spell casting, orgies or graphic fanfiction. Once one has all of them, then they will be the master of death. The final death.”

Lupin checked the hands of his watch. He frowned, then turned to see Ron now a convulsing mass of chocolate and amphibians. The only part of him visible was his carrot top, which made Lupin think of pumpkin pasties.

Lupin smiled,

“I must say, you did a fantastic job taking out both Snape and Harry Potter for me. I knew about your plan all along, and I was watching you the moment you hatched your clever scheme with Snape. You wanted the Hornocruxes for yourself. Well, I was always once paw ahead of you. Look at you – you’re more pastry than pasty boy. All that now stands between me and the Hornocruxes are Dumbledore and the dark lord. But Dumbledore is busy watching pornography and playing Grand Theft Auto in his pensieve while the dark lord is working on self-publishing an amazing story. They are both distracted, and I am in a good position to win the Hornocruxes all for myself.”

Lupin’s stomach growled. He thought about who he wanted to eat next: Lavender Brown or Neville Longbottom? Maybe not Neville because Kreature was always randomly apparating him out of class…

“Ah well, I can see you are now indisposed Mr. Weasley. I am off.”

Thus Lupin stepped out of the room and began his quest for the hallowed objects. In actuality, he didn’t have to travel too far. **Because something MAGICAL was about to happen…**

**(new scene, in the human world) ---**

“And Lupin journeyed far and wide searching for the dark lord’s fantastical phallic Tan Bananas” wrote Lord Voldemort. He was sitting in a 30 square foot apartment in New York City, writing on a sweltering summer day. He could hear children laughing in the distance intermixed with gun shots and ambulance sirens. It was a little quiet for the city. Too quiet…..

Lord Voldemort, or as his parents named him, Charlie Sheen, paced the little room (or rather, shuffled side to side, unable to turn in any one direction because his apartment was 3 feet wide and 10 feet long). Charlie was blessed with big shoulders and in this particular situation, that was more of a curse. His nose, which was large and bulbous, was a point of shame for him, even though everyone in his family had the Sheen schnoz. He liked to imagine himself having two slits for nostils and no cartilage, and he wanted to trade in his John Boehner, orangish, Fanta-like skin for what something more like the tone that many young east Asian women went for: white as a ghost. All he could afford were clothes off the rack, because the rent was so high, and no matter how long he listened to Alicia Keys’s “Empire State of Mind,” he couldn’t imagine himself making his dream come true.

Charlie Sheen knew deep down that his fanfiction was too niche, too avant garde to sell, but a big part of him wanted to keep writing. It was personal, it was true to himself, it was his fuck you to the world. And he couldn’t imagine his life any other way…

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Maybe it was the boy from last night, what was his name, Steven Segal? Bruce Rauner? Or maybe it was the landlord. But why, he already promised him a share of the royalties for when his fiction would sell.

He waded through his crumpled up drafts of fanfiction, unwashed clothes, and half-eaten Giordano pizza boxes lying on his floor. He passed by family portraits with him, his 87 brothers, 34 sisters, 12 mothers and father. The Sheens were a big Mormon family, from the coast of Siberia and the Swiss Alps. They were of French-Canadian descent, the fur traders who came to the New World to sell beaver pelts for falafels. His uncle Benny was a successful business man who traveled the world and sold dildos. His voyages inspired young Ralph… wait, I mean, Charlie Sheen… to write about fantastical places. Charlie Sheen also read _Lord of the Rings_ and saw Wagner’s _Ring Cycle_ , his favorite characters being Gollum and Alberich because he wanted complexions like theirs. And he liked gold shiny things, like a crow.

Also upon Charlie Sheen’s desk was a letter from his landlord about the overdue rent, and an eviction notice. And something about student loans from his alma mater, University of Al Roker.

The only other thing of note in his room was a red and black webskin suit which hung on his bed post. An old fan was blowing and squeaked, Voldemort’s attempt to combat the sweltering heat in his studio.

He made it to the door and looked through the peephole. It was Lupin! In real life!

“No….” Charlie Sheen fell to the ground, landing on his Tom Cruise-shaped fleshlight.

“I-it can’t be…!”

**Openic doris dramaticus!**

Charlie Sheen’s door flung open and Lupin stepped inside. Charlie Sheen was lying in shock on his MAD magazines and bottles of Heinz ketchup.

“You-you-you-“ stuttered Charlie Sheen.

“I’m real, yes, my lord.” Spoke Lupin.

Lupin moved closer to Charlie Sheen, who hiccuped. He grasped him by the scruff of his shirt.

“I’m here to finish the story. To take the Hornocruxes and achieve immorality.”

Charlie Sheen gulped like the boy in Your Name who’s name I’m blanking on.

“B-but, they-re… they’re not real! It was a story… just- a story.”

Lupin lifted Charlie Sheen to his feet and then up into the air.

“Then make them real, like how you made me!”

Lupin raised his wand to Charlie Sheen.

 _This is it_ , thought Charlie Sheen, _my life ends here_. Charlie Sheen closed his eyes.

Then suddenly a burst of light and a scream from Lupin. Charlie Sheen fell onto the floor.

Out of the smoke, Charlie Sheen saw Neville Longbottom with Kreature in his pants and next to them Cho in Luna’s pants.

“Wh-WHA!!!! You’re real! You’re all real!!!” exclaimed Charlie.

“Of course. It is you, Charlie Sheen, who is not real.”

Cho snapped her fingers and all of the sudden a new Popeye’s meal and Longjohn’s Silvers apparated out of thin air. Luna walked up to Charlie Sheen and touched his earlobe.

“You are the dark lord, but, you are not Voldemort. Voldemort died a long time ago. You are just a boy with really really strange and concerning sexual fantasies.”

Luna took Charlie Sheen’s hand and led him to the bed, where Neville, Kreature and Cho were digging into their carry out and looking at cat gifs on their iPhones.

“And we are your creators.”

So Charlie Sheen and his new friends had fast food and had a great time. Soon after, Charlie Sheen published his story and received no attention. Barely anyone read it and he eventually decided to go to Law School, where he then practiced criminal law for the rest of his career. He retired and then died at Godric’s Hallow a theme park in upstate New Jersey. He is survived by his many siblings, some of whom mistakenly thought he was vegan.

**THE END**


End file.
